38 weeks

I am thinking this will be my last post before Ollie arrives.

It’s nuts to think he could really be here at any time.  Two Sundays from now is Tim’s birthday and also Ollie’s due date–so the longest I’d have to wait to meet him is four weeks, if I go 2 weeks over. I’ve felt like he may come early for a long time for a few reasons, because I’ve been contracting so much since around week 24. I don’t think this is wishful thinking, since I’m enjoying the pregnancy so much and I’d also like to spend as much time as possible savoring time with Tim as just two of us. I am probably a minority when I say I’d be happy to be pregnant for another month or two…maybe as long as I didn’t keep getting bigger.  Either way, Tim and I will post soon after he arrives. :)

We feel as ready as we can be for the babe. His nursery is done, and we are grateful to say we have almost everything we need for him (other than incidental items I’m sure we’ll think of when we get home from the birth center). People have been so generous. We really only had to buy the crib. Everything else was covered between family, gifts from showers, and “donations” from friends whose kids outgrew their stuff.  My “hospital” bag is all packed (has been for a while). We have our frozen meal at the birth center (they discharge early, so we get to bring our own food to eat after the delivery). Tim is putting the carseat in the car tomorrow, and we are having our house deep cleaned, a gracious donation from a vendor at work. The doula is on call, and I’ve got a crap ton of popsicles in the freezer just in case I want them during labor.

So I think we’ve done what we can to prepare ourselves. Lots of books, documentaries, classes, and conversations with friends who have done this before, my doula, and the midwives. I’m thankful to say I am not experiencing anxiety about labor and birth. I don’t see any reason to be. I just want to show up and be present through it, trusting my body knows what to do and getting out of its way. I don’t know if I am being naive, but I just don’t think nervousness will help. I’m focusing now on breathing deeply and exercising a little more control over my self-talk now. I do believe the chiropractic & reading I’ve done will help, but I know I won’t be thinking of those things during labor. I’ve heard for the majority of labor women are in another world, using their “primal” back brain to just survive through the rough parts. Maybe survive isn’t the best word. What I’m trying to say is I think logic goes out the window. I won’t be referencing the notes I’ve taken in my journal or the worksheets from my birth classes. It’s not something I can plan out or control. In the end I am just trusting God made me to do this and He will guide me through it, giving me grace for each moment.

I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts on the spiritual and emotional aspect of labor after I go through it, but from what reading I’ve done, I see so much of God’s design in it. The way the pain and intensity are merely means to a more beautiful end, the way He gives opportunities to rest between each contraction, the way we can mentally choose to be present and engage with the pain rather than being afraid of it and making it worse. I’m sort of looking forward to the mental and physical challenge of it. God’s design is perfect.

As Ina May Gaskin says, “My body is not a lemon. I am not a machine. The creator is not a careless mechanic.”

Tim and I are super thankful for all your love and care for us and Ollie in this season. We would be delighted to have you pray for us as Ollie’s birth draws near, that God would sustain us and draw us to Himself through it, giving grace & strength for each step, and that, of course, we’d reap the spoils of a healthy baby and healthy mama. Trusting Jesus with you!

—

How far along? 38 weeks on the nose
Baby is the size of a: Watermelon!
Total weight gain: 35. At this point, may as well embrace it. It’ll be nice to lose the immediate 10-15 lbs right after he’s born. Not sure how I’ll go about the rest…maybe I’ll sweat it all out this summer. I feel like women pregnant through the winter probably gain more. Less opportunity to get out & be active and lots of opportunities to eat a ton!!
Maternity clothes? Pretty much down to 2 outfits. Stretchy maxi dress & maxi skirt. Feet are swelling now too, so shoes are getting kinda tight.
Sleep:  Up and down. Peeing a lot, waking up really warm, and just thinking about labor & baby. Taking naps when I can, which helps!
Best moment this week: There were many! My co-workers threw me a surprise shower, which took the cake. We got a high chair and a video monitor, and there were lots of unhealthy but delicious treats! I found out at the birth center I am pretty effaced and starting to dilate, which was good to know–like to hear that I’m progressing. Today was awesome too. Beautiful weather and Easter brunch with friends. Lots of time spent outside.
Movement: Yes. His back and butt are center stage. A lot lower than before–he’s definitely dropped!!
Food cravings: Clementines. I had almost a whole bag in one weekend. Also still donuts unfortunately, and any kind of fried dough. :( Arugula and grapefruit juice. Cherry tomatoes. Kombucha. Iced tea. Pickled beets. Really any beets.  Anything cold and sour.
Miss Anything? The convenience of eating lunch meat without heating it up and the occasional craft cocktail when out to eat.
Symptoms:  Mr. Ollie is head down, which is awesome, but he is also hanging out very low in my pelvis. The other week I felt really sharp nerve pain in my groin when I sat down. So I got on all fours and did some inversions, and he moved over to the left, causing the same pain on that side. So I’m pretty sure his head is grinding on some nerves. Only thing that helps is literally lifting my belly up off my lap. Other than that, it’s getting tougher to get in and out of bed, go up stairs, and bend over, but those things aren’t a big deal to me.
Mood? Wound up and energetic. 7:30 pm? Not normal for me.
Looking forward to: The obvious. This baby is a total mystery to me. Can’t wait to discover him.

 

Looks like baby dropped! The pic on the right is 37 weeks.

 

35 weeks

I don’t have anything emotionally moving or spiritual to say this week. I’ve just been reflecting on how quickly this pregnancy has passed and how gracious God has been to give me the exact opposite of what I anticipated: a complication and anxiety-free pregnancy. A part of me always wondered if being in a situation where I was completely not in control and forced to focus on something/someone besides the inner workings of my mind would allay my long-time bottle with anxiety. It totally has. I am so thankful God intervened in my unhealthy rhythms and created some stability and focus for me. I feel so cared for, like he answered so many questions of my heart and healed some wounds I didn’t even know were there through past several months. It could be the hormones, it could be purely God’s grace, but this pregnancy has been curiously peaceful. This week I want to share a few things that helped me thrive in my pregnancy in a really holistic way:

Chiropractic care. Can’t say enough good things about it. I had been seeing one almost every week before I was pregnant for the past year, which I am convinced cured my migraines. I have had to scale down on the number of visits because they got expensive, but I know for sure the bi-monthly adjustments helped me so much. I haven’t really had any of the traditional pregnancy pains besides the nausea of the first trimester. I get sore sometimes at night but honestly, I’ve been totally free of the back/hip pain thing. I experience occasional discomfort if I eat too much or get too little sleep, but I really haven’t had much heartburn or headaches or anything else besides the normal strain of carrying a human in me. This is the best I’ve felt in a long time –  including before I was pregnant.

Good vitamins. I’ve been taking fish oil, Vitamin D, and a regular prenatal, which has been a good cocktail for me. The combination of fish oil & D made winter a lot more tolerable. Or maybe it was the hormones. Either way, this has been the happiest winter I’ve ever had, even though it was the coldest and snowiest. Seriously, a miracle.

Lots of water. I try to drink four or five Camelbaks of water a day. If my pee’s not clear, I’m not drinking enough. I started this when I had an infection in the second trimester and have felt way better. I also noticed it helps with the BH contractions. I should have started that a long time ago. Here’s to staying hydrated until and through labor!

Super supportive community. We are so thankful to have a family of believers around us at church who are so familiar with the stage we’re in. There are a ton of new moms I’ve learned from and a few other pregnant girls I’ve been able to share and commiserate with. Our missional community and others have been so willing to serve us – planning meals, hosting baby showers, giving advice and prayer, and showing so much grace when I miss events from being tired or sick. I see so much of Jesus in this community! Without much family here, it’s easy for me to feel a little weird that Ollie and I will be lonely at home this summer, or that he won’t have very many people around him – but I’ve felt so covered and encouraged by our friends. This is the community I want helping me raise Ollie up to be a dangerous force for the kingdom!

Similarly, so many friends who have provided for us. I was super anxious about the financial burden of having baby, but God was so faithful to provide for us. Co-workers and friends and family have pitched in to get us everything we need: a stroller, car seat, tons of clothes, a bassinet, a carrier, and all of our nursery furniture. Other friends helped us re-do our floors upstairs, which took a huge load off since Tim and I were clueless about it. Two other friends volunteered to take maternity photos for us and others are planning meals for us when Ollie comes. It’s so amazing to feel God’s love so tangibly. Super thankful for all of you guys.

Awesome co-workers and insurance. I told my office about my pregnancy as soon as I found out, mostly because I knew I’d be sick a lot and wanted them to know why I’d be out, and because I can’t keep a surprise. Since then, I pretty much haven’t shut up about the pregnancy and Ollie. They are so understanding and flexible when I’m not 100% there and so excited with me about the little guy. Mostly I’m just thankful to work in a place where I can be myself, both when I feel good and when I don’t.  Not to mention, my company has the BEST insurance which has covered my birth center and is hooking me up with a pretty great electric pump.

My doula. I hired an intern from the Birth Center and she has been so helpful – always available for questions, super compassionate and knowledgeable, and also really sensitive to my anxiety. We’ve only met a few times but we email and text fairly often, and Tim and I feel really excited to have her partner with us in labor and delivery. She’s coming equipped with a pretty great arsenal of essential oils/massage tools/other misc. comfort measures, including Christmas lights (!!!!) It’ll feel so good to have someone with me who’s done this before!

My amazingly patient and helpful husband. I could not have done this without Timmy. Seriously. Since Day 1, he has held me prayed for me, and listened to me complain and spout of tons of different baby stats and facts and philosophies. He has driven me to and sat with me through birth classes and prenatal appointments, cooked breakfast for me every single day, missed out on events just to stay home with me, scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom when I wasn’t up for it, taken total responsibility for our crazy dog, all the while working full time and pursuing tons of service and discipleship and time with God. I could brag about this man forever. I am so thankful I get to parent this baby with him, the man who shapes me into the wife and mom I want to be with his patience, grace, intelligence and wisdom and challenging insights, and unconditional, undemanding, totally selfless love.

Honorable mentions to Unisom, Kombucha, the staff at Starbucks in CP Plaza, everybody who asks me how far along I am in the elevator, our roommate Joe, my husband’s sweatpants & t-shirts, all you who have faithfully “liked” my crude bathroom selfies depicting my growing belly, The Business of Being Born, Ina May, lavender bath salts, and all candies ever.

—

I am so thankful pregnancy is gradual, just like any other growth. It’s beautiful how gently and carefully God curates something so life-changing and physically demanding. The minute I found out I was pregnant my mind went nuts because I felt the weight of the responsibility crushing me. But God has been so kind to use the past 8 months to steady my heart before him and give me really great time with the ones I love and with Him, totally preparing my heart for what’s ahead. It’s honestly felt like a vacation and respite for my soul. Something I needed a long time ago but never knew how to give myself.

He gives good gifts. Excited for the next 4 weeks of riding this out and then meeting my little guy and starting a new season with new mercies waiting for me. Thankful for doing this journey with all of you. Let’s do this thing!

—

How far along? 35 weeks, 4 days
Baby is the size of a: Honey dew, hovering around 5 lbs & 17 inches long! Gaining an ounce a day until he’s born.
Total weight gain: Up 29 lbs. Okay, maybe 30.
Maternity clothes? Even the maternity shirts are getting too short. As I grow the options slim.
Sleep:  Really good. I was pretty needy for supplements to help me sleep earlier this trimester, but being so busy prepping for baby and squeezing in time with friends and house projects has made me really, really tired. Also I’ve kicked the trimester-long coffee habit I developed, which is probably a good prep for breastfeeding. I was sick a few days last week with a cold so I missed my normal morning latte, and now I do fine with just a tea a day.
Best moment this week: This has been a funny week. Mouse in house, spilling water on lap through purse & assuming breaking bag of waters, getting sketchy TDAP vaccines at my neighborhood Walgreens, etc. The former crisis has been averted & the latter two just make me laugh now. The best moment was maybe Tuesday when I went in for a 15-minute back rub at the chiro and ended up getting an amazingly therapeutic 45-minute trigger-point massage.
Movement: Totally nuts. It feels like he’s head-down from what I can tell (lots of high kicks off to the side with a big butt/back above my belly button…) but I could be wrong. I should find out his position at my appointment tomorrow.
Food cravings: Nothing healthy. Red vines, sour candy, chocolate long johns. I’ve been turned off by eggs and a lot of dairy lately, actually. So I’ve been having ham sandwiches in the morning (heating up the meat of course).
Miss Anything? I mean, it would be nice to be able to stand closer to the sink and be able to bend over, but I do not miss the chores. Tim has been graciously doing tons of housework and helping me carry/move things around when needed…a lot of which has been a part of Ollie’s nursery. 2 friends are coming to snap some photos of us in the nursery this weekend, so expect more photos in a week or two! These will function as my maternity shots since I haven’t had any of those lately. It’ll be good to remember how balloon-like I am at this phase. Maybe?
Symptoms:  Lots of contractions. A little more tired. Some light soreness. Nothing major. Feeling really blessed about that.
Mood? Kinda ready for sleep.
Looking forward to: My appointment with the midwife tomorrow AM. I go every Friday for the next four weeks! Love those appointments so much — they feel like milestones. Only 4ish more weeks left, we hope! And just over a week until I’m full term! How is this happening so quickly?

30 weeks

“Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.” –Psalm 51:6. (Why didn’t I know this verse existed until now?!)

As I’ve shared before, my past few seasons of life have been hard ones, riddled with deceptive emotions manifested as paralyzing anxiety, panic attacks, and OCD. Like, stuff so intense I couldn’t leave the house. The root of it all, I believe, was issues from my childhood that taught me to believe lies – the world is not safe, and I need to build my own safe world. That means I must be in control, and if my safety is threatened, I responded physiologically in a way I thought might protect it.  A coping mechanism developed by a scared child, somehow both sophisticated and primal. A heavy weapon I lugged around with me everywhere so I could always be ready to defend. As I grew up it was as simple as a snarky, sarcastic comment or “just one more cocktail” to regain control of a situation that felt too vulnerable.  The deeper wounds showed themselves through more extraordinary measures to maintain my “safe world,” which is where the OCD came in.  I wasted so much time and so much energy creating hiding places for myself that always seemed to collapse. I was absolutely desperate for healing.

These behaviors were obviously unhealthy but I wasn’t forced to deal with them, to tear them out at the roots, until some of the crazy symptoms or behaviors surfaced. It was painful, but I really believe it was God’s grace to inflame some wounded parts of me so we could work on them together.  I had tried medication and counseling and books and spiritual direction and discipleship and charismatic churches and Calvinist retreats and vitamins and supplements and more exercise and changes in diet and more sleep. Those things are all awesome and helpful resources, but what I really needed was to sit face to face with God and forgive people who have hurt me, walk through some difficult moments in the past and let Him tell me He was there and those hard things I experienced weren’t okay with Him. I learned He wanted to set those things right and teach me a new way of thinking based on actual truth. I had to walk through the crap to get out of it. The only way out was through.

My mind was renewed day by day as I chose to sit with Him and hash it out. I grew and learned the most about myself and God’s character through inner healing prayer. I went to several prayer clinics at a church where prayer ministers facilitated a helpful, gentle, wise conversation about what God might be zoning in on in my heart. Also beneficial were extended times with Him in my own house, reinforcing the truths I was fighting to believe with times in the word or prayer or worship. Or simply inviting Him into my day when those “extended times” weren’t possible, choosing life-giving music and books and conversations. There isn’t a formula, but I believe sowing good seeds in my heart, denying my deceptive emotions and the grace to say “yes” to Him even in my weakest moments are the catalysts to breakthrough.

I want to emphasize that I certainly was not the faithful one in that season. He was. He was faithful to draw me in, giving me daily grace to follow Him through the dark places.  My freedom wasn’t something I just woke up with. It was a gradual process like any other growth, requiring nurturing and attentiveness which often felt like hard work. I’m not done with it yet, but I am walking in a place where I can see the beauty again and my hope feels renewed.

I want to encourage friends looking for freedom to keep walking through your tough spot. He who called you is faithful. He can’t deny Himself; He must finish what He starts. He sees you and is eager to shepherd you to the Father’s loving presence. He desires you to be thoroughly redeemed and wants to touch parts of your heart no one else can see.

He is a master gardener, tilling the soil in our hearts, planting good seeds of truth that will reap a bountiful harvest if we will partner with Him in the waiting (even when we can’t see His hands, will we trust His heart?)

He is the rain, watering and refreshing us in the dry seasons, reminding us of His nourishing presence when we think we can’t take one more step.

And He is the sun, ripening us to beauty, from one degree of glory to the next.

—-
How far along? 30 weeks! CRAZY to think I’m only 10 weeks away (hopefully). I mean, think about 10 weeks ago…that’s when I found out Ollie’s gender. Seems like freakin’ yesterday.
Baby is the size of a: Winter squash! What even is that? He’s 15″ long and weighs 3 lbs.
Total weight gain: 20 lbs! It’s coming on quickly and suddenly.  Baby’s gotta have his donuts.
Maternity clothes? Same pants every day.  My shirts are all too short. Need to invest in a few new things. Can’t button my winter jacket which leaves my poor belly exposed all the time, but luckily I’m not outside that much and when I am I like people to notice I’m pregs. :)
Sleep:  Not so hot. Between the dog tip-toeing on our new wood floors and my pee trips and just general discomfort, I probably get 4-5 hours a night, even though I go to bed disgustingly early.
Best moment this week: Lots of good moments so far. What I anticipated to be a difficult beginning of the week turned out to be really fruitful and encouraging. I am so thankful to have friends who are after the same things I am and who remind me what’s important.
Movement: All the time! Most days I can see my shirt/dress move because he’s rolling around so much. And I’m learning how to “belly map,” or figure out how he’s positioned in my belly. It seems like he’s upside down now because I’m feeling jabs down below (which are usually hands/arms) and slow, rolling movements above my belly button (usually legs). I also feel a hard spot usually above my belly button, which I think is his butt/back. The midwife finds his heartbeat every appointment on my lower right quadrant, which could be coincidence. Hope he stays upside down, but I know I can’t control it. I’m sitting on an exercise ball at work, getting regular chiro adjustments, and doing some pretty specific stretches/yoga poses to encourage him. He’s smart. He’ll do it.
Food cravings: Sweets after meals, unfortunately. Girl scout cookies (’tis the season). Sour candy. I got some Also, lots of lemon water. I got a Camelbak bottle & those things are miraculous. I drink 10x more water. The straw thing on it is so satisfying!! I can sit the bottle on my belly and get after it. Keeping that uterus hydrated!!
Miss Anything? Probably being able to bend over.
Symptoms:  Just that my uterus is bigger than a loaf of bread. Seriously. How does something so little (I think the size of my fist normally?) stretch so far? I can feel it from my pubic bone all the way beneath my breast bone. Extra creepy when the guy kicks up there by my rib cage. I’m surprisingly not having any back pain or hip pain like I expected. All in all I feel pretty good. I really think my water intake, fish oil, and chiropractic, and attention to posture/stretching have been super helpful.
Mood? A little wound up. I had some caffeine late in the day. (Got a terrible iced coffee (half caf, before you judge me) from an anonymous skyway coffee establishment and it took me all day to not even finish it. I think I’m experiencing some residual effects from those last 3pm sips.)
Looking forward to: BABY SHOWERS!!! My first one is this weekend, and I have another one toward the end of the month. I’m thinking March will go by extra fast! And then I’m really, really close to seeing this baby’s face!! I am astounded how quickly my pregnancy has passed–totally God’s grace.

Almost 31-week-bump.

22 weeks

But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God;
I trust in God’s unfailing love forever and ever. -Psalm 52:8

We’d like to introduce our little nugget by name:
 Oliver Gray Abramson.
Or, as we’re calling him, Ollie.

I don’t have much of a backstory, just that Tim and I have always liked the name Oliver.  We had entertained equally old-fashioned but quirky options, but none of them had sweet diminutives like Oliver does. You all know, too, that I struggled with the idea of having a boy; the name Oliver was one that I was attached to and kind of softened me to the idea of having a little guy around.

The ultrasound actually confirmed our name choice–we identified him as Ollie as soon as we saw his tiny personality emerge. He laid still at first, giving us a perfect profile, which felt really lucky. After a bit more probing and measuring, he covered his face with his hands like he didn’t want any more attention from the ultrasound paparazzi. He got real comfortable in there, even leisurely crossing his feet. I was hoping to see him suck his thumb or smile, but he did plenty of other adorable things. He seemed pensive, deep, thoughtful, sensitive, and clever. Oliver just fit him.

I wish I could say I chose his name based on the meaning, but it wasn’t until after we were attached to the name that we thought through its rich symbolism. In the Bible (and lots of other cultures through history), an olive branch signifies peace. In Genesis, a dove carries an olive leaf to Noah as a sign of God’s mercy – His withholding the waters from covering the earth.

Oliver’s name points to God’s peace, which I pray will be the core of our son’s identity. Not merely the emotion of peace or the absence of anxiety (though I pray for that too), but the peace with God we have in Jesus in our salvation. What God did in the Gospel to restore us to Himself is what makes us who we are, not the deceptive and fleeting feelings of peace or anxiety that capture our hearts.

A few years ago as I was praying through some of my own identity issues, I felt God speaking Isaiah 54 to me to remind me who I really am as His child. It’s a beautiful narrative of God’s peace washing over his people:

“To me this is like the days of Noah, when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth. So now I have sworn not to be angry with you, never to rebuke you again. Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.”

God really renewed me through these words. Because of the olive branch of peace God extends to me in the Gospel of Jesus, I get to take hold of this beautiful promise for my children, for my little boy, for Ollie:

“All your children will be taught by the Lord, and great will be their peace.”

I love that our son’s name gives us framework for praying for him. Now, I am asking God to be present with him inside of me, speaking the truth of his identity over him, that he may know he is precious and beloved, and that in Jesus, peace is His.  That Ollie, in turn, would be a conduit of peace to others, and as an overflow of His delight in God, He would lead others to a place of peace with God in Jesus.

—

How far along? 22 weeks, 6 days (so…23 weeks)
Baby is the size of a: EGGPLANT. What? This guy weighs a pound now.
Total weight gain: 9 lbs up from my pre-pregnancy weight, but a total weight gain of 12 or 13 lbs since I lost a few during the first trimester.
Maternity clothes? Almost exclusively. Though I prefer the fit of bigger sized form-fitting dresses that stretch with my belly – I’ve been wearing a lot of those types of sweater dresses with tights to work. I really like my full-panel maternity pants from H&M but not so much the demi-panel jeans from Gap. (Thanks for the tip, Kristin!) Waiting on my first order of maternity shirts from Gap ($$ gift cards!! $$) since most of my current shirts are getting too short…nobody wants to see the panel underneath my sweater.
Sleep: The usual. Getting up a couple times a night and waking up with a really dry throat and nose, which I’m sure is due to the lack of moisture in our house. Gotta invest in a humidifier.
Best moment this week: Loved the peaceful time Tim & I had in Wisconsin with my family. Playing cards has been a blast lately too. I’m pretty obsessed with Phase 10. Every night is game night in our household. Which is as equally sanctifying as it is fun. I’m not a happy loser.
Movement: All day long. Flipping, poking, turning.I’ve been feeling LOTS of baby movement the past several days, too – it used to be just at night, but now I feel him all day long, flipping and turning and kicking. Love to know he’s enjoying himself in there!
Food cravings:  Pickled everything. Regular pickles, pickled beets, pickled cabbage. Spinach salad with really vinegar-y dressing. Deviled eggs (holiday fave!) Sour candy. Cold oranges.  Arugula. Kale salad. Soy sauce. Diet Coke. Struggling with meat. Most of my protein is coming from cheese and eggs and nuts, but I’m eating my fair share of chicken, too. Beef is almost intolerable, especially hamburgers.
Miss Anything? Probably being able to eat sweets and drink soda guiltlessly. I have been mercilessly craving Coca Cola but really trying to limit it. I hear diet soda is no good for us preggos either, and DC is my real kryptonite.
Symptoms:  The long car ride to WI for Christmas left me with a really sore lower back. Heating pad helped. Also I’ve had some tenderness/soreness in my belly. I can definitely tell I’m getting bigger. It’s getting harder to bend over and grab things or to stand really close to the sink to do dishes. (Nice to have an excuse to get out of chores…) I’m savoring the last few weeks I have in the second trimester. Hard to believe I’ll get even bigger and more uncomfortable in the coming weeks!!
Mood? Super thankful for the peaceful heart and mind I’ve had the past couple of months. Totally new to me not to constantly battle anxiety but totally welcome, too. It’s amazing that my body and mind are working together (thanks be to God, of course) to create a restful environment for the baby. Can’t imagine pregnancy any other way.
Looking forward to:  Starting to put together the little guy’s nursery in the coming months…never know if he’ll come early! We decided on a pretty nice color scheme: a few different shades of aqua/blue, chartreuse, gray, and white. The walls are gray and the crib we want is white, so now it’s all about finding chartreuse and aqua accents. Feel free to point me toward those things if you see anything!!

17 weeks

A year ago this month, things were dark. Fear and anxiety were my masters as I worked tirelessly to curate a world where my feeling of safety could never be disrupted. This meant giving into thought cycles that were totally founded on my perception and not God’s truth. I begged God to pull me out of the mire of that season but felt only cold.  There was no freedom. Not that God hadn’t been there to give it to me; I know He was all along.  I was leaning on my own unsteady understanding instead of the Rock of Ages, who doesn’t shift like the wind.

I asked Him through those months “why won’t this end?” Just once I felt an answer, and it wasn’t about me, it was about other people. “So you can love my flock through their dark nights.” I was determined then not to waste that season, however dark, however cold, however long. I felt (maybe for just that moment) privileged and thrilled that God would think to use a broken ragamuffin like me, one who couldn’t leave my house without googling where the nearest hospital was, to care for His kids. What grace that He defines our seasons!

Now, a year later, I am enjoying some light. Last week our missional community reflected on the Ecclesiastes verses “there’s a time for x and a time for y.” As I listened to my friends share their stories, I was moved to tears. I saw how beautifully the natural rhythms of our lives work together– when we are desperate for truth, He makes others strong enough to carry us to Jesus. My heart was provoked, and for the first time in a very long while, I felt like I had something to offer people. I got to use some of what I’ve learned about God’s faithfulness and goodness to (I hope) encourage other believers, like they showed me when I was completely blind to it.

Now, of course in hindsight, I see that without those many months of terribly painful training, I wouldn’t have had a shred of ragamuffin wisdom to give to anybody. In that dark and shadowy place, I got to experience intimacy with God in a way I couldn’t have anywhere else. There, I got to know Him as Father and Counselor and Divine Author of my story.  He did gracious work in me there, and my mind feels new. I can’t pin down a moment when things shifted in my heart and mind, but that kind of crippling anxiety has stayed pretty much a memory. I’m in a new, more joyful season, and I want to let God define it.I don’t want to waste it on me.  I want to be fully present and engaged with the season I’m in, attentive to the new facet of Jesus–just the one I need–being tenderly revealed to me.

I have about five months (give or take, I hope it’s take) of being shaped into a mom before I become one, and I want to use what He’s showing me in this joyful time to love other women and get to know my husband. I want to use well the time I’ve been given, whether it’s a time of darkness or light, to learn and grow, to let God make me a better lover of Himself and a better lover of others. I want to speak and write and serve joyfully from this season, because today is all I have.

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How far along? 17 weeks as of yesterday
Baby is the size of a: Navel orange! Over 5″ long (crown to rump) and 5 ounces! Bigger than a Big Mac!
Total weight gain: Probably 2-3 lbs.
Maternity clothes? Finally bought some maternity pants. I don’t really like them. They’re dark skinny jeans from Gap – how could they go wrong? Well, the pregnancy band helps, but the butt and hips are sloppy looking. My biggest pet peeve with jeans. So I mainly wear my regular pants with the belly band I talked about a few weeks ago, which has been working well. I need to get a black one of those. Right now I only have the nude color.
Sleep: Picture perfect dream world.
Best moment this week: Tim and I had some really good time together Saturday afternoon. It was the first Saturday he’s had off in a very long time, so I felt refreshed to be able to laugh with him and have him home with me.
Movement: The baby woke me up on Saturday night! I felt this flutter in my belly and my first thought was “What is this baby trying to tell me?!” So I got up and ate a snack. :) Turns out kicking isn’t morse code.
Food cravings: Salty/crunchy, sour/cold. I.e. kettle chips and cold green apples.
Miss Anything? I had an ornery moment last night when I couldn’t have any of the herbal teas in my house. I guess lots of herbs are a pregnancy no-no, so it’s best to avoid herbal teas (pretty much anything but peppermint. Oddly, even some pregnancy teas aren’t pregnancy safe). Since I have to take it easy on caffeine too, tea isn’t a big option. Hot water with lemon did the trick!
Symptoms: Not much lately! Light indigestion and lethargy, but nothing to write home about.
Mood? Restful, but only because God is faithful in sustaining, not because circumstances are any less chaotic than usual.
Looking forward to: A short work week! We celebrated Thanksgiving with Tim’s family on Sunday, but we also have plans with some friends on Thursday. Count on a green bean casserole…or five. Also, as mentioned in previous post, my best girl and her hubs are coming to visit next Friday!!

Mostly just wanted to show off my outfit.